Can I add some levity here? This made me think of a joke I heard once, "We have been married so long we only have oral sex now. As we pass each other in the hall we say "F-you.""
I think this resonates with so many of us. I know that most of my problem is the fact that my husband is a narcissist and I have become just a shell of my former self. After years of criticism and hearing, "Having sex with you is like having sex with a dead fish." Why would I even be remotely interested? There is no affection to be had anywhere and perhaps if there were I would be more responsive. When sex feels transactional and I feel more like a prostitute than a cherished wife, it is hard to even begin to want it. It becomes just one more thing I need to do for my husband and no longer holds any pleasure for me.
Hi Bex, thank you for the humor, and oh, boy do I get that joke. On the serious side, so many people have written me about how the lack of affection outside the bedroom is just deadly. But what your husband said is worse than neglect or coldness, it reeks of contempt and mockery and that's not something anyone should be expected to tolerate. There's no amount of compartmentalization that would make intimacy enjoyable with that in the air. There's a place they call the Love Lab at which they watch couples talk and if contempt or sarcasm shows up, it's considered toxic: More here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ And while I know men who can be furious or indifferent with their partners and they still want to have sex, I haven't heard many women say that. It's hard to compartmentalize, and impossible if you feel undesirable. I keep thinking of word you used, "cherished." Isn't that what we want, to be cherished and to cherish in return? You deserve that. I know it's hard to unwind the layers of criticism enough to believe it, but it's true. Don't settle. Yours, s
Hi Suze--I have been at this for years and have finally taken the step to get a divorce. I am waiting for my attorney to serve papers. I wonder sometimes why it has taken me so long to to do this. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. The time was never right and I have 3 children. My youngest is now 14 (old enough [in my state] to decide who she wants to live with) and my oldest is leaving for the Navy in a few weeks. The time is right. He is a full on functioning alcoholic (in denial) who is also a narcissist. I can't wait to be free.
Dear Bex, I wish for you that the process is speedy and as unfraught as these things can be. And I wish a life that is joyful and your own, free of the blight. All is open and possible!
I hesitated for quite some time before deciding to go ahead with this. Let us hope that what I am going to write does not offend people, this is certainly not my intention.
Relations between individuals do require to be maintained, they will not stay perfect on their own. I would suggest the couple to have a frank discussion about the issues affecting them and try to find a workable solution for the matters affecting their relationship.
If they are choosing this option, I would like to be the first person wishing them success in their efforts.
OMG ... I so relate to this. I hope they can start to unearth their issues with a counselor to help. Menopause needs to be examined as one possible contributor, recognizing that it's no one's fault. They deserve better than this. So did me and my second wife, but it was too late for us.
So true. It’s like a perfect storm, menopause, kids leaving, parents reassessing what they’re doing with their lives, elderly parents needing care And people don’t necessarily talk about any of it, or get medical or psychological help before the point of no return. Everyone deserves better
There are times I think humans place too much value on species, rather than individuals. Originally it was a math hack: If you're not invested emotionally, you think dispassionately: but numbers and ideas don't have emotions. Humans - at least THIS human - HAS emotions and I am all too easily damaged by what I perceive as slights. Perhaps that is my personal reality, but that is the only reality know.
Be kind to EVERYONE, but especially to those you love. "It's only words - and words are all I have to take your heart away."
I hear you. As those swordlike words and phrases are thrown ones way , a response I sometimes used was, “ Is that your best shot?” In the end tho’ an adept abuser must be left standing in the dust. IMHO
First of all, a Bee Gees reference is never wrong. Second, we are all more fragile than we like to appear. I have been stunned both by how something small I've done, often something I don't even remember doing, has meant so much to someone. And conversely, my kids have surprised me by telling me they felt hurt or slighted by something I didn't consider a big deal at that time. So yeah... be kind.
Kathy... I'm back to say that don't give up on sex. The jolt of menopause can knock you off track, but I know women' who've made it back with a little help from their gyn and a little time to get used to the new normal and feel good in themselves again. yours, susanna
It's not me that has given up. My husband has said he's "annoyed" by my attempts to initiate intimacy/sex. As a result, I've given up - he doesn't start anything, and I won't anymore.
Ach, that sounds intractable. And yeah we can only be vulnerable and put ourselves out there so often before it becomes counter to our own well-being. Love isn’t contingent upon sex, yet….
Great article - appreciated the focus on the everyday foreplay as well as important of loving selftalk
Can I add some levity here? This made me think of a joke I heard once, "We have been married so long we only have oral sex now. As we pass each other in the hall we say "F-you.""
I think this resonates with so many of us. I know that most of my problem is the fact that my husband is a narcissist and I have become just a shell of my former self. After years of criticism and hearing, "Having sex with you is like having sex with a dead fish." Why would I even be remotely interested? There is no affection to be had anywhere and perhaps if there were I would be more responsive. When sex feels transactional and I feel more like a prostitute than a cherished wife, it is hard to even begin to want it. It becomes just one more thing I need to do for my husband and no longer holds any pleasure for me.
Hi Bex, thank you for the humor, and oh, boy do I get that joke. On the serious side, so many people have written me about how the lack of affection outside the bedroom is just deadly. But what your husband said is worse than neglect or coldness, it reeks of contempt and mockery and that's not something anyone should be expected to tolerate. There's no amount of compartmentalization that would make intimacy enjoyable with that in the air. There's a place they call the Love Lab at which they watch couples talk and if contempt or sarcasm shows up, it's considered toxic: More here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/ And while I know men who can be furious or indifferent with their partners and they still want to have sex, I haven't heard many women say that. It's hard to compartmentalize, and impossible if you feel undesirable. I keep thinking of word you used, "cherished." Isn't that what we want, to be cherished and to cherish in return? You deserve that. I know it's hard to unwind the layers of criticism enough to believe it, but it's true. Don't settle. Yours, s
Hi Suze--I have been at this for years and have finally taken the step to get a divorce. I am waiting for my attorney to serve papers. I wonder sometimes why it has taken me so long to to do this. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. The time was never right and I have 3 children. My youngest is now 14 (old enough [in my state] to decide who she wants to live with) and my oldest is leaving for the Navy in a few weeks. The time is right. He is a full on functioning alcoholic (in denial) who is also a narcissist. I can't wait to be free.
Dear Bex, I wish for you that the process is speedy and as unfraught as these things can be. And I wish a life that is joyful and your own, free of the blight. All is open and possible!
Dear Susanna,
I hesitated for quite some time before deciding to go ahead with this. Let us hope that what I am going to write does not offend people, this is certainly not my intention.
Relations between individuals do require to be maintained, they will not stay perfect on their own. I would suggest the couple to have a frank discussion about the issues affecting them and try to find a workable solution for the matters affecting their relationship.
If they are choosing this option, I would like to be the first person wishing them success in their efforts.
Kwa Tjong-Liem
Thanks so much for this comment. And yes, yes, it's painful and time consuming to drag everything into the open, but so necessary. Best, s
She's just using him as an on-site girl friend. Lots of women would love a thin bald man. Find some one that appreciates you.
« On-site girlfriend » is an amazing way to put it
OMG ... I so relate to this. I hope they can start to unearth their issues with a counselor to help. Menopause needs to be examined as one possible contributor, recognizing that it's no one's fault. They deserve better than this. So did me and my second wife, but it was too late for us.
So true. It’s like a perfect storm, menopause, kids leaving, parents reassessing what they’re doing with their lives, elderly parents needing care And people don’t necessarily talk about any of it, or get medical or psychological help before the point of no return. Everyone deserves better
There are times I think humans place too much value on species, rather than individuals. Originally it was a math hack: If you're not invested emotionally, you think dispassionately: but numbers and ideas don't have emotions. Humans - at least THIS human - HAS emotions and I am all too easily damaged by what I perceive as slights. Perhaps that is my personal reality, but that is the only reality know.
Be kind to EVERYONE, but especially to those you love. "It's only words - and words are all I have to take your heart away."
I
I hear you. As those swordlike words and phrases are thrown ones way , a response I sometimes used was, “ Is that your best shot?” In the end tho’ an adept abuser must be left standing in the dust. IMHO
BE KIND!! full stop!
First of all, a Bee Gees reference is never wrong. Second, we are all more fragile than we like to appear. I have been stunned both by how something small I've done, often something I don't even remember doing, has meant so much to someone. And conversely, my kids have surprised me by telling me they felt hurt or slighted by something I didn't consider a big deal at that time. So yeah... be kind.
I'm there, too. I've hit menopause a long time back. We haven't had sex since. Without since 2009.
Kathy... I'm back to say that don't give up on sex. The jolt of menopause can knock you off track, but I know women' who've made it back with a little help from their gyn and a little time to get used to the new normal and feel good in themselves again. yours, susanna
It's not me that has given up. My husband has said he's "annoyed" by my attempts to initiate intimacy/sex. As a result, I've given up - he doesn't start anything, and I won't anymore.
Ach, that sounds intractable. And yeah we can only be vulnerable and put ourselves out there so often before it becomes counter to our own well-being. Love isn’t contingent upon sex, yet….
100% on target. Been there.